On train carriages being turned into aviaries

Liz now knows the answer to the question 'what happens when a pigeon gets trapped inside a train carriage'...

On not being able to deal Christmas stress

Liz didn't throw a tantrum in the Post Office - the cards simply slipped from her hands whilst gesticulating wildly, she really wasn't intending to hurl them at the 'helpful' assistant...

On winter accessories for canines

Liz always thought pitbulls were rather ugly dogs, until she met one wearing a stripy scarf this morning. Any ideas on where might sell scarves for labradors?

On the morning after singing for many, many hours

Liz rather likes the sound of her voice this morning. However, as she is totally alone this means she's spent some time talking to herself, which is concerning.

On the effects of insomnia followed by a very busy, very long day

Liz is beyond tired. In fact, she passed tired several hours ago and has progressed through exhaustion to totally cream-crackered. A whole, uninterrupted night's sleep would be much appreciated.

On the dangers of Christmas decorations

Liz has christmassed the flat, though there was a moment when she was encircled in a tangle of fairy lights and wasn't sure that she'd make it.

On meetings and mothers

Liz will be spending the afternoon in a meeting with her mother. You'd be forgiven for thinking it was 'bring your parents to work' day, but no, it's just my random life...

On nail varnish & compliments

Liz is grateful to the lady in Waitrose for complimenting her nails, but probably won't follow through on her suggestion that she become a professional manicurist...

On shopping and over indulging the night before

Liz survived an afternoon at Brent Cross in a slightly hungover state. More importantly, her fellow shoppers also lived to tell the tale.

On British fashion

Liz cannot understand why warm, waterproof clothing cannot be both practical and aesthetically pleasing.

On googling and stalking

Liz appears to have a blog stalker at Google, which is ironic seeing as she usually uses Google to stalk others...

On 'interesting' hotel locations

Liz is trying to decide which is more amusing - that her hotel's opposite a sex shop & tattoo parlour, or that the hotel receptionist thought she & C were a couple...

On the beginning of the carol singing season

Liz has had her first descant induced head-rush...and thus the Christmas singing season has well & truly begun.

On having a theological celebrity as a father

Liz had the bizarre experience this morning of eating breakfast whilst listening to her Dad on the radio - discussing women's ordination with Catholics, brave man.

On driving instructors who fail to turn up for lessons

Liz is probably going to have to fire her driving instructor which means the mission to find a new one should probably begin...

On missing out on exciting tourist attractions

Liz is gradually recovering from the disappointment of not having had enough time to visit the Pencil Museum this morning

On being in Cumbria the day the floods hit

Liz: severe weather warning + heavy rain = floods and a very long journey back to the metropolis...

On working with the wrong kind of male colleague

Liz is in a gorgeous hotel in the rather lovely Keswick - it's just a shame she's not in the company of someone more interesting than a colleague...

On the restorative power of Julie Andrews

Liz should never underestimate the power of the Sound of Music in fraught commuting conditions.

On the over-commercialisation of Christmas (in mid-November)

Liz now has to accept that Christmas is inevitably drawing closer - the Holiday Coke advert's just been on.

On early nights, on a Friday

Liz wonders why, with all London has to offer, she's grateful to be in her PJs before 10pm on a Friday? Hello - life needed over here please - thank you.

On the mispronunciation of place names

Liz can't believe it's taken over an hour to book a hotel in Keswick, but is amused that the person she booked it with pronounced it "Kes-wick".

On the bizarre use of photos

Liz is deeply disturbed that her face is being used as an education aid for Morven's geordie pupils...

On the Inuit nativity #2

Liz is now even more excited about the Inuit nativity having discovered that not only does it have an igloo, it's got a canoe and a Polar Bear!

On injuries whose cause can be totally misconstrued

Liz has somehow sprained her jaw, no idea how that happened...

On the return of winter

Liz has welcomed the hot water bottle back with hoody-covered open arms.

On surviving her first driving lesson in 5 years

Liz can't quite believe she just drove up the Old Kent Road...

On nervous anticipation and downright fear

Liz is fearing tomorrow morning just slightly, though the innocent people of Bermondsey should probably fear more...

On the Inuit nativity #1

Liz is delighted to hear that the latest addition to the Clutterbuck international nativity collection is an Inuit one, complete with igloo...

On late night tube travel

Liz witnessed a mighty act of passenger co-operation on the northern line in breaking up a potentially huge bitch fight. Simultaneously amusing, heart-warming and oh so slightly terrifying.

On ridiculous disruptions

Liz knows that there's no smoke without fire, but does the smell of smoke on a train really necessitate the suspension of the Jubilee Line on a very wet Friday evening?

On ignoring criticism from an idiot boy

Liz is going to ignore the criticism of her status updates and will carry on in the way she has become accustomed. So there

On inadvertantly increasing carbon emissions whilst trying to reduce them

Liz is using two laptops, 3 lights and assorted other electrical appliances whilst putting together a children's activity on carbon reduction...oh the irony.

On collective nouns #2

Liz's collective noun of the day: a 'piteousness' of doves. (Hopefully less controversial than a loveliness of ladybirds!)

On collective nouns #1

Liz has a new favourite collective noun: a 'loveliness' of ladybirds.

On maintaining self-control in the face of temptation

Liz has faced off with a box of Krispy Kremes and won.

On seeing her name in a hearse

Liz is not sure that it's a good omen to have walked past a funereal flower arrangement spelling her name this morning.

On inappropriate nakedness on the BBC

Liz has just seen a half-naked Methodist Minister on the BBC and thinks this was quite, quite unnecessary!

On the endless problem of matching socks

Liz has completed the thankless task of correctly pairing a pile of black socks with a myriad subtle differences, but still has one lonely sock left over.

On the BNP's appearance on Newsnight

Liz is wondering who exactly is an 'indigenous Briton'? As a descendant of a Flemish weaver who emigrated here 400 years ago, this Briton most definitely isn't one and doubts Nick Griffin's one either.

On her first Scrabble victory

Liz believes her cackling might be heard across the nation...she may finally have won a game of scrabble - with a final word totalling 91 points. Thank-you and goodnight..

On the return of legwarmers

Liz is, for the first time since age 6, considering leg warmers as practical ankle wear and wonders if her grandmother can still knit them.

On very early trips to the gym

Liz has set a new record for arriving at the gym - 7.18. Smug? Very.

On new shoes & new dawns

Liz is celebrating a bright new Tuesday morning with bright (red) new shoes.

On the death of Stephen Gately

Liz thinks that no matter what your views on Boyzone were, today is a sad day

On being a good Girl Guide

Liz is attempting to fix her favourite purple shoes with the aid of an elastic hair band and a swiss army knife. Surely there's no reason why this won't work?

On post-holiday smugness

Liz is loving responding to compliments on clothing with "oh this? I got it in New York..." and wondering how long it'll take before people want to hit her?

On the temptation of the might Apple

Liz is in the Apple store where everything is super shiny & she is very, very tempted to make an impulsive purchase...

On having simple British charm

Liz loves being in a place where her accent's regarded as 'cute'. If only it got the same reaction back home...

On the joys of predictive text

Liz is giggling that in spelling 'wetherspoons' via predictive text she had to spell it 'wet', 'her', 'spoons'. (It's been a long day!)

On acting upon important decisions...

Liz loves the rush of adrenaline after posting something rather important and oh so slightly scary.

On the inability to eat small fruit #2

Liz is wondering what the grapes have got against her that they try so hard to kill her? You get a lot less sympathy for choking on a grape for the second time in 2 days.

On familial accomplishments

Liz is, like her grandfather, incredibly proud that there is now a tattoo artist in the family.

On the inability to eat small fruit #1

Liz nearly choked to death on a grape. An amusing epitaph but not an amusing experience.

On giving in to peer pressure

Liz is finally submitting to the 'get Liz to drive' campaign. Step 1: handover £50 (!!) to DVLA for new provisional license is now complete.

On creative excuses for skipping the gym

Liz thinks unshaved legs was a reasonable excuse for skipping the gym this evening.

On post-gym smugness

Liz: the price of my gym membership - extortionate; the smug feeling of being at the office early having swum 30 lengths - priceless.

On resurrecting 19th century words

Liz and Katie are single-handedly bringing back "swoon". Some words need to brought into the 21st century.

On being a hopeless singleton

Liz has suddenly started talking to herself in Bridget Jones-esque clichés. "Note to self: this is neither clever, funny or attractive".

On being pragmatic at momentous sporting moments missed

Liz was - of course - on the tube when England reclaimed the Ashes. However, missing a glorious victory is hugely preferable to witnessing a crushing defeat.

On God's ability to intervene in the Ashes

Liz reckons it's in God's best interests to ensure the test match gets wrapped up before church tonight.

On the joys of low-fat Ben & Jerry's

Liz is gazing into the depths of a tub of low-fat phish food and may be gone for some time.

On post Sister Act elation

Liz would very much like to become a singing nun with a sparkly habit - as long as she didn't have to make any of those pesky vows.

On terrifying bedroom situations

Liz is in the middle of a dire arachnid situation. It's huge (actually huge - I'm usually good at getting rid of them), possibly tropical and right above my bed. Trying to decide how to proceed...

On the flimsiness of flat-pack furniture

Liz just suffered a major wardrobe malfunction. (Furniture not clothing.)

On good smelling food in confined spaces

Liz thinks the person carrying take-away pizza home on the tube should have had more consideration for their fellow (hungry) passengers. They could at least have shared a bit after making the carriage smell so good!

On counting chickens on the way to the station

Liz should've known better than to think to herself "wow, I'm earlier than I thought", because of course, that was the moment she discovered a police cordon blocking the rest of the route to the station.

On eating as an extreme sport

Liz has invented a new extreme sport: eating sour skittles despite having mouth ulcers - a strangely addictive combination of pleasure and pain.

On insomnia & its educational benefits

Liz likes learning new things - like random facts about Mammoths - but not at 4am when she should be fast asleep.

On eating with interesting implements

Liz thinks food (nearly) always tastes better when eaten with chopsticks. It certainly lasts longer.

On insomnia and Big Brother

Liz has realised that there's nothing more frustrating than watching people sleeping live on TV when you can't get to sleep.

On insomnia & TV schedules

Liz has discovered that Loose Women is repeated at 3am. Sadly she did not discover this by reading a TV guide. *Yawn*

On not paying attention properly

Liz should've paid more attention the the weather forecast instead of concentrating on the 'hot' bit, rather than the 'torrential rain showers' bit. She's now wet, bedraggled, in need of dinner, a mug of tea and a hug.

On justifying further handbag purchases

Liz has made up for a long, long day with the purchase of another aesthetic & functional O&N bag. (Today's bag has a totally different function to the one acquired 2 weeks ago - she does have some control of her shopping habits.)

On the role of gospel singing in exacerbating bad weather

Liz is wondering whether singing "Send your rain down" this afternoon only served to exacerbate the dismal weather situation.

On Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

Liz has finally watched Harry Potter & the Teenage Angst...and it was much more angsty than the book. She may now have a bit of a soft spot for Ron.

On finally seeing the effects of the diet working

Liz is thinking that when the trousers can come off without being undone, it's probably time to buy new ones.

On the stalkee being followed by a stalker (or not)

Liz has spent the evening pretending to be famous & cool enough to hang out in a private members club - it obviously worked as a west end star followed her home...

On being forced to have fun

Liz objects to enforced fun. Especially when the 'fun' is a picnic and the enforcement is having it - regardless of torrential rain showers.

On making do and mending

Liz is spending the evening mending & wishing she'd remembered that a stitch in time saves nine.

On resisting temptation

Liz has just discovered someone else's facebook login is stored on her computer...but she is taking the moral high ground and deleting it before temptation kicks in.

On PMT

Liz is a lady not to be crossed today.

On discovering that she has annoying habits

Liz constantly hums to herself at work, apparently. How has she not noticed and why has it taken her colleagues so long to complain?

On the problems of being on a diet

Liz should remember that the problem with not having drunk much alcohol for a while is that all of a sudden, 1 pint = silly Lizzy.

On developing eccentricity

Liz was mildly embarrassed to realise she'd been wearing odd earrings all day, but on reflection decided London sees far weirder things & simply felt eccentric instead.

On becoming low-fat ice cream dependent

Liz's relationship with low-fat Phish Food is becoming distinctly unhealthy.

On the shelf-life of milk in summer

Liz should've sniffed the milk before pouring it over her post church cheerios.

On finishing the Harry Potter saga

Liz has finished with Harry and cried buckets over and over again. But it was definitely worth the heartache.

On getting reacquainted with Harry

Liz can't wait to get into bed and snuggle up with Harry. (Potter)

On the death of favourite shoes

Liz has yet again failed to ensure the wearing of weather appropriate footwear and should probably throw away the holey (but lovely) shoes. RIP pretty black ballet shoes.

On Jesus' views on hymnbooks

Liz is wondering if Jesus cares whether there's a new Methodist hymn book/supplement/rolling resource?

On the Women's Doubles final

Liz is watching the women's doubles final and pondering why it is that Serena doesn't have a better sports bra?

On making labels

Liz has been reunited with the label maker. Happy day.

On the difference between body and soul

Liz's Tongan soul adores this weather. (It's just the British body that doesn't cope so well.)

On acquiring a reputation

Liz is amused that her mother is being asked "are you related to Liz Clutterbuck?" on a regular basis. How times have changed.

On Bishops and surnames

Liz has just had her presence requested by a Nigerian Bishop, purely on the basis that he was intrigued by her surname.

On using other people's stationery

Liz has just realised the pen lid she's been chewing is from a pen that does not belong to her...and was already chewed. Ewwwwwwwww.

On Andy Murray (#2)

Liz believes she may be personally responsible for jinxing Murray's game, thanks to a lunchtime discussion on the tedium of straight-sets victories. Foolish, foolish girl...

On enforced saunas

Liz loves a sauna when she chooses to use one, but does not like it when train companies turn their trains into them.

On Andy Murray (#1)

Liz is pleased Murray's doing so well, but is nostalgic for the many angst-ridden hours spent supporting Tim. Straight sets victories can't compete with 5 set marathons.

On apt meeting locations

Liz loves when a round-table discussion meets round a round table.

On Wimbledon & the gym

Liz has her office departure perfectly timed so she can go and watch exciting tennis at the gym. I'm right in thinking Pimms is frowned upon as an energy drink?

On the diverse cleansing properties of anti-bacterial hand gel

Liz was not impressed by the late start to her 9am meeting or by the chewing gum found stuck to her new shoes. However, she was impressed at the effectiveness of anti-bacterial hand gel as a chewing gum remover.

On the terror of bees in confined places

Liz has endured her most traumatic tube experience to date: 15 mins trapped in a carriage with a very angry bee.

On abnormally cold offices

Liz is working in a fridge & determined not to put her cardi on. It's June, the sun's shining and it's hot...outside.

On inappropriately noisy shoes

Liz seems destined to always own noisy shoes. The ones that go "clip-clop" in a horselike fashion have been joined by Birkenstocks that make a less favourable noise. (I'll leave it's exact nature up to your imagination.)

On the joys of West End Live

Liz loves a day spent with green witches, singing nuns, dirty puppets and drag queens. (But could've done without the health & safety briefing from Fireman Sam.)

On God & iphones

Liz has used an iphone in her dreams for the 2nd time. Really think God's trying to say something...

On similarities with Wikipedia

Liz is like Wikipedia: a source of useless information and often wrong.

On reading

Liz wishes she didn't cry so easily whilst reading heart-rending books. It makes tube journeys incredibly embarassing & waterproof mascara only works for so long.

On forgetfulness

Liz was sure she'd thought of something exciting to say on her way home, but the excitement of getting home seems to have completely banished it from her mind.

On church-based relationships courses

Liz thinks that the problem with spending hours at church talking about relationships is that you start thinking about sending possibly inappropriate texts to possibly inappropriate people...

On the absence of tweezers

Liz has three options: 1. Locate mislaid tweezers. 2. Buy new replacement tweezers. 3. Do neither & simply become scary mono-brow lady. She's thinking #2 looks like the most attractive option right now.

On swine flu vs. colds (#2)

Liz has concluded that she does not have swine flu, just a common cold. Secretly she was hoping for something much more interesting, given her dislike of ever being regarded as 'common'.

On swine flu vs. colds (#1)

Liz is trying to remember the difference between the symptoms of swine flu and the common cold. She's also trying not to become a hypochondriac.

On the tube strike (#3)

Liz has had a surprisingly pain-free journey home, the only pain being the knowledge that this morning's journey could have been a lot less painful had she realised the Jubilee line was working.

On the tube strike (#2)

Liz genuinely loves travelling through London above ground, through stationary traffic and pouring rain. Sarcasm? Nope, no sarcasm here...

On the tube strike (#1)

Liz is in the unfortunate position of not living far enough away from work to make a non-tube commute impossible; not living close enough for it not to matter; and living just the right distance away for it to be a ignominious inconvenience.

On compliments

Liz is feeling the warm glow of having compliments bestowed upon her, but is doing her best to ensure that it doesn't light the fire of big headedness.

On paranoia

Liz is wondering whether to take the suggestion that she turn her facebook statuses into a book as a compliment or an indication that she writes far too many of them

On the length & content of weekends

Liz has decided that weekends need to be either longer, or she has to stop packing so much into them. Actually, they could just do with being longer.

On buying train tickets online

Liz has been traumatised by disaster of an online shopping experience. Charging me 7 times for tickets to Gloucester? I think not.

On democratic rights

Liz has been to tesco & exercised her democratic right to vote. She suggests you do the same - in voting that it is. You have the democratic right to shop at whatever supermarket you choose.

On ankle issues

Liz would love to say that it was over exertion at the gym that's triggered her ankle issues, but no, it was the pretty shoes.

On important presentations

Liz is writing the script for her primary school assembly...sorry, very important team meeting. Should she be taking it a bit more seriously?

On noisy shoes

Liz has spent the day wearing shoes that make horse noises. (As in "clip-clop" not "neigh"). It made her happy.

On not taking precautions when cooking

Liz very literally has burnt fingers from handling too many hot potatoes. Oh the pain when metaphors come to life!

On wanting to kill colleagues

Liz is in the kind of mood where creating a game of MCH cluedo seems like an excellent idea...

On inappropriate outdoor footwear

Liz designated her 'office shoes' for a reason - they had a hole in their sole. This meant that they shouldn't be worn outside, especially when wet. Liz forgot this and now has very wet and very cold feet. And her shoes squelch. Nice.

On tiger balm

Liz loves the smell of tiger balm in the evening...

On hair going wrong

Liz is crazy curly hair lady. This cannot be repeated

On mens' locker rooms

Liz gained entry to the men's locker room today. Disappointingly it was both grotty & devoid of men.

On chocolate asparagus (#3)

Liz has finally consumed her chocolate asparagus (no actual asparagus involved) and was a little bit disappointed. Stupid luxury confectionery - should've had a wispa instead.

On weeping

Liz should not read weepy things over lunch. It makes her, well, weepy.

On removing nail varnish

Liz has just committed the school-girl error of taking nail varnish off toes using perfectly painted fingers holding varnish remover soaked cotton wool. This is why you should pay other people to do it for you!

On chocolate asparagus (#2)

Liz has just realised she left her special 'treat for friday' chocolate asparagus at work. Sad times.

On chocolate asparagus (#1)

Liz is celebrating Friday with a chocolate asparagus.

On swine flu precautions (#3)

Liz has just seen her first surgical masks on the tube & it was just as terrifying as she feared.

On swine flu precautions (#2)

Liz is now the antiseptic hand-gel monitor for the 3rd floor.

On puzzingly named biscuits

Liz is sat in her boudoir eating boudoir biscuits and wondering why on earth they were called that in the first place?

On the dangers of running with your eyes shut

Liz was narked that the only treadmills left today were the ones in front of the mirror. She'd have kept her eyes shut, if it hadn't have turned her run into extreme running...

On the ingestion of insects

Liz has inadvertantly swallowed at least 3 flies this weekend. Don't suppose they're listed in the calorie counter.

On not realising what time of the month it is

Liz feels like she needs to hide in a darkened room to scream & throw things - but has no idea why she feels like this

On swine flu precautions (#1)

Liz is wondering which she's more scared of: the prospect of a global flu pandemic or thousands of people taking to the streets wearing surgical face masks. It's a tough call for a mask-phobic girl.

On painful shoes

Liz is suffering from 'first day of wearing favourite summer shoes this year' pain. Totally worth it though.

On the effects of napping

Liz should not nap on damp hair - it creates an unfortunate look.

On restricted movement

Liz should remember the restrictions imposed on movement whilst tethered to her laptop via headphones.

On the inappropriate use of forks

Liz is having limited success at eating a yoghurt with a fork. At least it's not dripped down her top...oops, spoke too soon.

On expensive drinking locations

Liz could get used to the Moet bar, but probably shouldn't.

On the importance of capital letters

Liz is unduly irritated by the fact that gmail has changed her 'Inbox' to an 'inbox'. Grammatical pedantry strikes again.

On the dangers of dental hygiene

Liz is wondering how long her tongue's going to stay purple after using a disclosing tablet. They should carry a warning.

On emergency situations

Liz has safely negotiated multiple police cordons and an emergency evacuation of the office. Did somebody say bomb?

On google

Liz is 'like google, but more attractive'.

On doing pilates with equipment

Liz has discovered that when you involve balls with pilates it becomes a whole new discipline ;)

On being naked at the gym

Liz is relieved she was fully clothed when the fire alarm went off at the gym this morning.

On learning to do funerals

Liz wonders if 'learn to do funerals day' was the wrong day to come and stay at a theological college?

On walking on ice (#2)

Liz is totally over the whole ice thing. Bored now.

On walking on ice (#1)

Liz was very nearly flat on her back on a Zebra crossing this morning. The ice is getting tedious now.

On walking on ice (#3)

Liz has considered crawling as a viable transport option several times in the last 12 hours.

On inappropriate footwear (for snow)

Liz has realised that converse+blizzard+snow drifts = slow walking & wet feet.

On believing she has genuine guitar talent

Liz has achieved her long-held goal of learning to play guitar (as long as it's a plastic one with multi-coloured buttons attached to a wii).